journal
alcohol
written: mar 03, 2026
alcohol is a wicked beast
"it borrows the happiness of tommorow" some would say.
in the beginning of my most recent reading week (school break) i drank alcohol 2 days in a row which was slightly unusual. substances had been a topic on my mind for a while and this really got me thinking about how they play a role in my life. i put my foot down and repeated in my mind "no alcohol for this entire weeklong break!". i figured that maintaining sobriety in my most vulnerable of times would create a lasting impression and a clear message to myself to say "this is a real problem". i can attest that it was a long week.
assignements were due every single day and my dumbass didn't think to do any of them ahead of time so whoopty freaking do. i also assigned myself and a friend a challenge to write, edit and ship a video in 1 week. that project fell through. i also was reading "how do we relationship?" by tamifull (see other journal entry) which is so good, it's able to swing your heart around like one of those crazy competetive yoyos (random analogy). i felt like i was really starting to slip from the rails, which is not ideal with exams coming in the week i returned back to school. i started to feel catatonic, just going through the motions. then i would feel like shit trying to figure out if it's school that's pushing me around, alcohol withdrawl, or both. it was probably both.
i am already pretty sure i don't have a particularly high base level of seratonin or whatever happiness receptors, but this sobriety challenge must've amped up my cortisol levels through the roof. after a test on thursday night, i caved and bought a handle of liquor (brandy i think) to sip through the evening. even then, my spirits (pun) were so low and my usually blasé attitude for the repulsive taste of liquor overid my desire to get as drunk as possible. i couldn't even get drunk.
that brings me to now.
i have a very familiar thought loop. at anytime of day, whether its boredom, stress, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, i figure alcohol would be nice to have. then i remind myself that that's crazy, you're crazy, and that would be stupid. then i remind myself that want to live on a mantra of freewill. then i remind myself that alcohol first thing in the morning is still crazy. after that, i feel dissapointed that my mind would come to these conclusions. then return to line 1.
this happens all day, everyday. i'm not particularly surprised anymore. i would say that this is one of my main thought cycles for the past 3 or 4 years so i've had the time try and pick it apart. admittedly picking it apart doesn't stop it from happening, and i don't feel i've really come to any thought altering conclusions about how to interpret it. its like hiroi kikuri from bocchi the rock, stuck in her own cycle of drunk.
my current method is to ignore these thoughts. i already suppress so many other aspects about myself, i figured that this one would have the most valid reason and thus be easier to rationalize. but no matter the reason, you can only do that for so long.
like i said before, it feels like my cortisol is through the roof. my head hurts alot now. i'm stressed and anxious all the time. my normally high libido has been replaced with shame and repulsion. i am somehow more irritable than i normally am. my sibling told me to see a doctor months ago because she thinks my apathy and dulling of my senses indicate depression (a pretty reasonable conclusion) and my first instinct is to drink these problems away? how messed up is that?
i don't want to spread the misery onto smoking because i am sure i would find that enjoyable aswell, even with the smell and inconvenience of it. and of course, i don't like that the pain manifests as suicidal thoughts because even the most sane person can be broken down.
hey kids, alcohol is a wicked and wild beast that will command you, even when its not around.